We all have those nightly rituals that usher our way to sleep. Some may do these checklists to only lie in bed awake. Tonight my ritual was off, to say the least. I was tired earlier and fell asleep earlier without following any of my normal patterns. To get in depth about this would be boring and would not address my reasoning for writing this. Events happening around me stirred my premature arousal and provoked my willingness to make an attempt to portray my thoughts. What will be discussed is emotion, circumstance, and triggers for irrational decisions.
Despite the debate about women’s equality and the evil “patriarchy” it is a known fact that women are much more emotionally driven creatures than men. Or at least we can agree emotion manifests differently between the sexes. With that, the expected portrayal of love offers more concrete evidence to the point. Simply expressing caring in audible speech or text, handwritten or otherwise rarely conveys the intended effect. Love must be more physical, and no… I don’t mean carnal love, although that is important too. Most women need something tangible. Something beyond the simple I do… or I love you. For some this can be as simple as a note on the mirror that she gets to wake up to. Getting her car and washing, detailing, or repairing it while she’s at work (or for that matter even at home). Renting her favorite movie and planning an intimate viewing with her favorite snacks. All great things that keeps the notion of inadequacy in her mind at bay. You can never forget to attempt loving gestures, and if you recognize this, the thought of planning them becomes just as beneficial to your well being too.
As the courting rituals progress and marriage comes into play, the gestures may include an evolution of partnership. “What does he mean by that,” you may ask. Often marriage includes the creation of a family. Children are messy dirty creatures, and you must take this into account when planning the physical display of love that will no longer come as easy. Much more planning has to take place. That partnership word I mentioned earlier comes into play. The dynamic changes completely. Helping around the house. Cleaning up after the little monsters that barged into your hearts. Both are activities that have been included into the “portraying love” roster. If she works all day (especially if you’re not) and you’re home with the kiddos, you assume the household responsibilities. Not only because you’re an adult, parent, and husband, but also because you care that she can come home after a disastrous day without the obligatory sense to pickup after every living being in the household. If the obligation has been met she will understand that you care enough about her to relieve that burden. But wait, there’s more. Don’t assume that the task is complete now. In order for the daily chores to show that you care, those premarital gestures still must be an integral part of your love for her. Without such, the household duties become an obligatory activity you do to keep from listening to her frustrated monologues. Everything mentioned here is intertwined in a notion that most men may never recognize. Some men may get it right because they know these things are necessary. Sometimes that knowledge of the necessity in itself gets the desired effect, regardless of intent (the old saying goes, happy wife, happy life). But for a few good men, everything mentioned is not only enjoyable, but is felt as a privilege to have the opportunity to fulfill. If you’re anything like me, however, being jaded can often cause laziness and lack of inspiration to do such things, regardless of the awareness to the importance for such activities.
By now, several thoughts may be crossing the mind. Such as “this guy is full of shit” or “he gets it” and maybe even “what the hell does this fool know?” Either way this is my take on this dynamic of relationships. However, there is still more to go, so grab your waders and get ready. Time to talk about men.
Mankind generally gets straight to the point. To clarify, the thought may not always be expressed, but the general thinking is usually very narrow in scope. When a woman comes home upset at him and it’s not clear why, the short list of possibilities is usually defined into categories. Some of these may include: Major mistakes (he lost his job, or didn’t tell you about something important), recent mistakes (didn’t pick up the dinner supplies, or forgot to grab your allergy medication), or outside forces (she’s mad about work or her sister, possibly got into it with her best friend). Regardless of what the reasoning is, without being told a man isn’t going to assume it’s an ongoing process in which you quietly hoped he would change or fix. If the house isn’t picked up, the kids are in rave mode due to his lack of intervention, or the clothes basket that’s been sitting there for two days is still there he’s probably not going to pick up on it. Without specific expressed frustration he may never have a clue. There’s also a good possibility that the expression of frustration will have to be repeated on a semi regular basis. Lack of acknowledging the truth behind behind this leads to a similar situation encountered when men don’t exert the efforts towards women as I detailed previously.
Contempt begins to build, with the assumption that all outside frustrations get directed towards him (the proverbial kicking the dog or cat). The sense of nothing is ever done properly because the correct knowledge is never expressed. Even worse the sense that there isn’t anything he can do to right the wrong. If you’ve ever listened to any competent psychiatrist, many have eluded to the fact men are fixers. Cut and dry if there is a problem, he will try to alleviate the issue. No he won’t talk about the feelings behind it, just a simple what is the solution and do it. As a member of the man race I attest to the feeling that nothing can be done right. Once a man gets to this point, most often he stops bothering to try. No sense in beating a dead horse. If he isn’t ever gonna get it right what’s the point in continuing to perform the task. If you can do it right then do it yourself. There’s plenty of sports on TV and cold beer in the fridge. The problem with this thought is it tends to spread regardless of whether criticism is being placed on a particular task. The snowball continues to roll and sooner or later the “fuck it” attitude creeps in. The point to this line of thought is that withholding thoughts in a dash of hope leads down a dangerous path. Being clear and concise can go a long way towards keeping a bit of the equilibrium in the relationship.
I’ve finally become tired enough to sleep again, so I will resume my nightly cycle. My hope is that this may be informative or at minimum thought provoking and possibly entertaining. I may come back and edit later, but I will post as is for now.